For last week’s post, part one of our cross-country move, click here for Doors of Favor.
Ever have a moment of enlightenment in which you see things for what they are? See the tree, see the forest… I don’t always completely understand some of the sayings out there and have to look them up, but my moment of clarity went higher than a really tall tree and deeper than any forest I’ve ever explored.
I remember living in Georgia, a single mom, and barely making ends meet. My car was at the age and mileage of some necessary (and expensive) work. New timing belt, new tires, new this… new that… It seemed that after only a week or two of getting my car back from the mechanic, something else would need to be done… brakes, some type of joint (I think I must have blocked it – too traumatizing). I would find myself left without a vehicle because it was completely broken down. I did what I could, but my newly acquired credit cards were getting a run for their money – literally.
I remember one time in particular, driving home from a baby shower for one of my cousins. We decided to take the back roads, and my car started to overheat. We flipped the heat on full blast and found a spot to pull over. This time it was my radiator. I remember breaking down, feeling like a failure; feeling as though there was no way out. I was already barely treading water… Now I felt like I was taking waves to the face and I couldn’t catch my breath. With repairs ranging from $500 to $800 each time, my credit cards were at their limits, I had nothing till payday, and I didn’t even have child support to fall back on. The trees were lining up, forming walls, and closing in on me very quickly.
I felt like I had no hope. I felt as though I was drowning, it was the end, and I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and surrender defeat. I still remember the absolute brokenness I felt that day, in that moment and the moments that followed, and I remember feeling so tired and weary from the weight of the stress.
Fast-forward to the year 2020 (even though it’s been a tough year for many, it’s held so much to be thankful for as well). As part two of our move, I’m going to share with you a perspective that surprised me – and I was the one that had it! We had just spent about three weeks with family and friends in Denver, Colorado Springs, and even in Arizona, and had started our long drive east. We had made it to Amarillo, Texas, the first day. After getting some sleep and a bit of caffeine, we were on our way with yours truly behind the wheel.
With the weight of the trailer being on the upper end for what the truck should haul, we were taking it easy and not pushing the RPMs too high. It had been frustrating with keeping them down, but it became extremely frustrating that morning. I was driving along I-40 and every time I pressed the gas pedal, even a little, the RPMs would start running higher than we like. I actually became so frustrated (and I was probably feeling low on caffeine) I yelled, “I hate this truck!” Not my best moment, and needless to say, my husband took over driving when we stopped for gas. I didn’t actually hate the truck; I appreciated the use of the truck. I have never had such a negatively passionate expression like that, and I found myself surprised and instantly ashamed.
After leaving Amarillo, we were routed to drive through Oklahoma City and had coordinated with a cousin and a friend who live there to meet for lunch. Cruising down I-40, we were a little over an hour from our lunch stop when the RPMs skyrocketed! After testing the gas pedal and getting the same results, we knew something was wrong and pulled over. Between myself and my husband, we know how to change a tire, change the oil, change the brakes, and add necessary fluids. That’s about it. Cars go vroom! vroom! and shouldn’t go boom! boom! I had a sinking feeling that it was the transmission (not bad for a non-mechanical girl!).
We were quick to find out that my father-in-law does not carry roadside assistance. We do, but he doesn’t, but we were driving his car; not ours. We knew we were going to be there for a while, and every time a vehicle drove by us, the truck and trailer would violently shake. My husband got the kids out of the truck, got the dog out of the kennel, and went down the hill, away from the interstate. I dialed our insurance in the off chance that getting towed would be covered. The hold time was 25 minutes.
As I sat there, on hold and while waiting to hear what they would determine as far as coverage, I found myself on the verge of tears and remembering so well what my younger self had felt all those years before. A transmission costs a lot more than a radiator. And just as quickly, a voice inside me asked, “But did you die?”
Well, that’s an absurd question! Obviously I did not die! Be quiet, inner voice, I’m on the phone!
“But did you die there? Did you stay in that place, on the side of the road, for the rest of your life? Did. You. Die?
No! I didn’t die! I got up! And I’m in a better place now than I was back then. I did. Not. Die!
That moment of clarity spoke to the worrier in me that likes to take the reins. It spoke to the anxious planner that thrives on schedules and deadlines. It spoke so clearly that I needed to do what I tell my kids to do. Whenever they’re acting crazy or out of sorts, I tell them to calm their mess. This inner voice was telling me to calm my mess.
As this bit of wisdom soaked in, I went with repetition and prayed again for favor. The towing may not be covered since it’s not our vehicle, but we wouldn’t stay there on the side of the road. We wouldn’t get stuck in Weatherford, Oklahoma, for the rest of our lives… only three days. We were, and always had been, provided for. We were shown favor even when the devil tried to derail us. I keep imagining God holding our transmission together till we were at just the right place – the devil may take shots, but God’s still giving favor to His kids.
Our insurance representative explained that it was a bit of a gray area, but that they would cover the towing up to 20 miles. The nearest mechanic was 18.6 miles away (see – the right place). Our friend who we stood up for lunch drove the extra miles (pun intended) and drove us to the store for food for our hotel room, we had dinner together, and the next day he loaned us his car for the remainder of our stay so we wouldn’t be stuck in our hotel. The mechanic decided to come in on Sunday, the day they’re closed, to work on the truck so that we could get on the road on Monday instead of Tuesday. And we were still able to visit with my cousin at a park on the way so our kiddos could play together.
While the truck breaking down and getting stuck in Weatherford, Oklahoma, was far from being part of the plan, I still see God’s favor shining on us. I find humor in the conversation I had with myself and love that perspective – “But did you die?” There are going to be times that the devil will try to throw a wrench in your gears. He wants you to feel hopeless and abandoned. He’s out to steal everything good and leave you with everything bad. But my faith is not in my credit cards, a truck, or a perfectly planned schedule. My faith is in God. And I’ve seen His goodness surpass my expectations time and time again. I’m able to see the tree, but it just adds to the beauty of the forest.