Transparency of a Warrior

Transparency. Why does this word evoke such a strong emotional response? When I hear this word, I’m immediately taken back to childhood; my dad telling me that I’d better be careful about what I say, do and think because on judgement day it’s all going to be laid out in a massive shaming in front of everyone who ever walked the earth. Okay, so I put in the “massive shaming” part. But still, everyone will know exactly what I thought of them at my best and worst moments, and everyone will know what I did that was dishonest or considered “bad”. Well, don’t fret – I’m not writing about that side of transparency today (and when God looks at me on judgement day, He’s going to only see the righteousness of Christ – Romans 3:22-26, I Corinthians 1:30, II Corinthians 5:16-21, I John 4:14-18).

Some transparency: I’ve been a drinker and a smoker. I’ve done drugs and I’ve had sex outside of marriage. The list is looooong my friends. I’ve cursed (and had some doozies go through my head… a lot), I’ve been angry on the interstate (well, of course – it was Atlanta rush hour traffic), I’ve yelled (not just the raised voice or a tone – Y-E-L-L-E-D) at my kids (picture smoke coming out of the ears)… all of it would take a long time to go into, but just know, I’ve been there, done that, got the tattoos, and it’s only been by the grace of God that I’m still here today.

I want to, instead, get into the transparency of those seasons of life that shaking your fist at God is a daily routine. Most of us have been there, some of us are still there, and there are a few that have been blessed with only fleeting doubts regarding God’s goodness. I’m here to tell you that God is good and I have no doubt about it. I feel pretty credible in saying this because I’ve done the looooooong list of crazy, unsavory, taboo, and deemed “bad” even by the world’s standards. I’ve also been on the straight and narrow and experienced sorrows, been let down, and found myself caught in a down-pour of disappointment and confusion. And I’ve come out on the other side. While you’ve already had a small taste, are you ready for some real transparency?

Not many of you know that I was once pregnant three times with four babies in less than six months. Ken and I had been married for just under a year when we decided to try growing our family. We were going to church whenever the doors were open (a sacrifice when the drive one way took over 30 minutes on the highway), Ken was the youth pastor and was constantly studying for lessons and sermons, and we were doing daily devotionals. We were invincible and protected by God from all of the world’s evils. Yeah. Right. I was six weeks when I miscarried. It was a sucker-punch; I was completely blindsided. I lost the air in my lungs and there were no words in any vocabulary that I could use to express how I was feeling at the time.

The platitudes of “God is merciful” and “God is sovereign” and “God knows best” kept being offered by well-wishers, but it just fueled the fire of rage building inside of me. Those feelings were stuffed down when I became pregnant again. In the book of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon said it well (the Beatles rocked it, though) about there being a time and season for everything. A time for every purpose under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). While this is true, there are times in this same book that I’m thinking, “Wow! King Solomon was a sad, sarcastic, cynical guy who had everything except joy.” Well, I joined him in this sentiment when I miscarried… again… at six weeks… passing two babies this time. Talk about shaking your fist at God!

No one wanted to know me then, not even my own family. Telling you that I was angry doesn’t begin to describe what was going on in my head and heart. I was so immature in my thinking and in my relationship with God that I was inching like Turbo (the racing snail) towards completely hating God and all of the “false hope” He offered. The platitudes started coming back in from well-meaning friends. Oh, how I hated them! There is nothing anyone can say when your child dies that can make a dent in helping you feel better – no matter how old or young the child is. It’s a broken-heartedness that cannot be described.

I mourned enough to get on with my life, still had no answers that I found acceptable, and I was able to get pregnant again. Out of fear, I rushed to the local medical clinic just so they could make sure this pregnancy was going to be okay, that I wouldn’t lose this one, too (as if they had any control). I was sent for an ultrasound and was able to do something I hadn’t with the other two pregnancies: I was able to not only see the baby on the ultrasound, but this time I was able to see the tiny heart beating! There was a comfort in that moment; surely if the heart was beating, I would carry this baby through pregnancy and come out the other side with an addition to our family. We named her Gracie Joy and she’s starting second grade this fall.

Everything seemed to settle after Gracie was born. I stopped shaking my fist at God, but in reality, I was still angry. We went on to welcome Caleb Abishai into this world and then Eleanor Charis joined us with some sassy attitude. My cup should have been running over, but it wasn’t until a few years ago that I started trading in some bad habits for some good ones; I’ve become happier and have gained a better understanding of the true nature of God. I’m now a stay-at-home mom & blogger, I find myself aching for more of God’s truths, and I’m busy. I’ve noticed there seems to be something that’s still missing. We added a puppy to the family, have two businesses in the start-up phase, a daughter entering her senior year of high school, but really it’s the tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock echoing in my being. Well, why not get pregnant again?

Like I just mentioned, since the two miscarriages over nine years ago, I’ve had quite a bit of, for lack of a better word, growth. It hasn’t always been easy or, like the Johnson & Johnson shampoo, tear-free. There have been heartaches, some felt empathetically (a husband and father lost to suicide, a mother of five young girls losing a battle to cancer) and some felt much more personally (loss of step-mother to cancer and a hole in my heart the size of my grandma). Things that can be explained and some that we can only choose to trust that God is still good. Yes, God is sovereign. Yes, God is good. No, God isn’t a genie granting wishes. No, we can’t break God down into a formula. He doesn’t respond based on our church attendance, because we say the right words, pray a certain amount of times a day, memorize the right amount of scripture or sacrifice burnt offerings. If that was how it worked, Jesus wouldn’t have needed to save us.

God is good. With this most recent pregnancy, I found myself at just the right time of year. Father’s Day would come around and I would be eight weeks along; perfect for surprising Ken for Father’s Day. I shared the news with our oldest daughter, Sara, my sister, my mom, my brother-in-law, my father-in-law, my step-dad, and my best friend. The plan was to put together a small photo album of all of our kids, and in the final picture, Eleanor would be smiling her sassy smile and wearing a shirt that boasted her graduating from youngest to being a big sister. Excitement building, trying to hide the nausea, making up a “dental” appointment that’s an ultrasound in reality… and then a not-so-good feeling of cramping set in on a Friday. By Saturday morning, I had to tell Ken – I needed someone to stand with me (kneel with me). I was almost 6 weeks.

Yes, I miscarried. Yes, I’m mourning. The same hurts. Again. But something has changed. Something has changed in me. I’m saddened by the loss. I’m disappointed but I’m not shaking my fist at God; I’m shaking my fist at the evil in the world instead. While I can’t explain the why of the miscarriage, I stand firmly in the knowledge that God is good. I also have a deeper appreciation for this scripture: “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (NIV)

I was recently asked how I was doing with all of the post-miscarriage crap-shoot and I had to walk through it a bit like this: the devil didn’t get me to shake my fist at God this time, so he tried to invade my thoughts. And I can’t seem to get enough coffee or sweets – can you pick up some pastries from the store, please? Seriously though, for a solid day (felt like a lot more), I felt attacked in my own head; it’s a good thing you miscarried because you can’t handle the load you already have… wow, way to yell at the kids again… reaching for another cookie, I see… And on and on and on. There’s no end to the lies the devil whispers in our ears. He takes a small truth or insecurity, and he twists it to make it into (it seems) a jagged, insurmountable mountain! Ephesians 6:11-12 (NIV) Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I’ve experienced being torn down by someone who was supposed to build me up. I’ve struggled with confidence and self-esteem my entire life. It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve started to learn who I am from God’s perspective. Start looking into how He sees you when you start questioning your worth or the seemingly elusive “why’s” (Matthew 10:30, Psalm 139:13-14, Ephesians 2:10, Luke 12:7, Zephaniah 3:17, Isaiah 43:4 are just a few). Write down your strengths, what you’re good at; search out God’s promises to you (they’re all for good!). Tell yourself, as you look into the mirror that you’re beautiful (or handsome); you’re more than enough. Sometimes, I have to do some Y-E-L-L-I-N-G to get it through my own head that I’m a child of God! No child of God is a loser! Tell yourself the greatest truth of all: The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Creator of the heavens and the earth sees you and considers you worth dying for.

This is my transparency: I mess up, I hurt and I question… But I’m a warrior – I overcome; I conquer! All because God is good.