Time to Shelve Self

I have a theory. I know I already wrote one of my theories out in a previous post, but this is a new theory. Well, it is but it’s not. It’s a theory that ties directly in with the post titled I Have a Theory, so perhaps I should say that it’s a bit of an addition to, or a continuation of, my original theory. I theorize that there are 2 types of people: One who forges their own path with confidence in their abilities to follow a 5-point message, and one who appears to be a bit more passive by being content to be led. I promise that what I’m going to share with you is not nearly as confusing as this opening. Just get a cup of coffee and you’ll be fine.

Almost 20 years ago, I was starting to come to the end of myself. The key part of that statement is the word self. I started trying to improve myself by reading anything and everything that would make me a better, more intelligent person. I was mostly going after books on psychology and neuroanatomy. If I could understand the process, grasp the why that people chose what they did, then I could adjust accordingly. Suffice it to say, I was a self-help junkie with a book list that was way beyond my paycheck. I would sit on my balcony (apartment living at its best) or on my couch and read – dictionary in hand for some of the heavier material – and try to improve myself.

At the time, I was a single mom – as single as they come – and my daughter’s father wasn’t in the picture. He wasn’t even in the same country. Financial support was not a guarantee, but I didn’t have to share or worry about his influence. As far as single parenthood goes, it was a fairly ideal situation (if that’s even a thing). But I was broken. And there wasn’t a self-help book for that. Believe me, I looked.

I had my favorite used bookstores where I would search the shelfs and stacks on tables and the floor for books on my extensive list. Every now and then, if I came up empty, I would treat myself to a rather old book. I was – and still am – especially fond of antique Bibles. My oldest Bible was printed in 1901 (I have three!), but I’m still looking for one that’s older. Looking back on that time of my life, I was getting the book that I needed, and it wasn’t any of the self-help books.

As a member of the human race, and the reader of a plethora of self-help books, I can say that we can get ourselves into quite the pickle… and then assert ourselves to clean up our own mess. We fall; we get back up. We get dirty; we dust ourselves off. But what we choose to ignore is our absolute helplessness. We deny it, we buy the books to help us conquer life in our own strength. We have this idea that we are strong enough, but we’re not.

If the self-help books aren’t working, let’s start reading the Christian self-help books. There’s power in the blood, right? But it’s not my blood that’s powerful. Even if it’s Christian, if there’s any amount of self, it’s not going to bring the power for real and lasting change. My willpower is strong (some call it stubbornness), but my willpower fails me all the time. Even when I’m dedicated to something, I’m going to fail.

I have failed my husband, my husband has failed me, but we vowed to not fail each other, right? I fail my children regularly, I fail myself every day, and I fail God more often than I care to admit. This is even when I vow to be strong, when I adjust my plans to accommodate better decision-making, and even when I avoid things that I know I struggle with. I fail – because I cannot be successful when it’s self.

No one can.

When I feel tempted to trust in my own efforts, when I hear or read something that is pretty convincing saying You can do it, I now think about the difference between two of Jesus’ disciples. I blame my husband for this revelation – thanking him as I do so – for having this comparison in my head when I start to venture back into a self-help spiral.

In Matthew 26:31-35, Jesus tells his disciples that they will scatter. He’s referring to when He’s arrested and crucified. Peter’s is the only vocalized rebuttal recorded for us. He claims that he’ll never fall away and then takes it farther by proclaiming that he would die with Jesus before disowning Him. That’s pretty intense. He seems determined and strong in his resolve to stay true and be faithful to Jesus.

And before the morning came, Peter denied being associated with Jesus three times – swearing in the process to get his point across.

That’s my self-effort, self-help, self-anything right there. Start out strong and so sure of myself, but just can’t seem to get it right when the going gets tough.

It was beyond tough at the cross, but there was a disciple there to minister to Jesus in His time of need. There was a disciple there, in the darkest hour, to offer comfort to the One who poured out the most powerful blood in all eternity.

The disciple whom Jesus loved (John 13:23, John 19:25-30).

John never boasted of his love for Jesus, but rather boasted about Jesus’ love for him. At the Passover, what we refer to as The Last Supper, John rested on Jesus. He reclined on Jesus. Peter, on the other hand, was busy boasting about his love for Jesus. Peter resolved to stand by Jesus even unto death – and he failed. John rested on Jesus – and he succeeded.

All of my efforts amount to nothing, but Jesus working inside of me is success in everything I put my hand to. I want to be so aware of God’s love for me that I don’t dare boast about my love for God.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die. Galatians 2:20-21 NLT

My old self – including my self-help good intentions – have to die. Life in Christ is life through Christ. It is either He or it is me. It is either because of His victory over death, or it is my futile efforts of performance. The Law or the mixture of the Law with grace leads to death. Remember Ananias and Sapphira? A life of self-effort, self-discipline, and resolute determination will end in failure and defeat. All of that self will bring about self-condemnation, self-loathing, and self-doubt.

If you’ve lived this as I have, if you struggle with reliance on self as we all tend to do from time to time, the God we serve is able and willing to restore us to a place that’s better than where we started.

Jesus singles Peter out in John 21:15-17 and restores him. Not only did He restore him, but Jesus restored Peter the same number of times that Peter denied Him. That is most assuredly good news for us! We boast and then fail in our self-efforts, but He is quick to restore us to Himself. Over and over again.

When we rest against Jesus, when we recline into His love, everything that is born out of self will start to effortlessly fall away. Let’s start boasting about God’s love for us.