Repairing the Template

Having 4 kiddos at home that are under the age of 12 can be exhausting. There’s never a moment that the laundry is done, there’s never a moment when the kitchen is completely in order, and someone is always wanting a snack. To make things a little easier, I’m okay with them being a tad bit feral 6 days of the week. They know the rules, they check in, and they’ll shower when they’re told with minimal complaint. I call that a solid win.

Being a mom was something I always wanted to be when I was growing up, but it took some time for me to really embrace and enjoy the responsibility of raising a herd of mini humans. I didn’t really enjoy a mother-daughter relationship as a kiddo because I was so tomboyish, and because of the separation and divorce my parents went through, my mom wasn’t around during much of my teen years. All that to say, I don’t have a lot of motherhood experience to draw from in navigating the ins and outs of mothering my own kiddos.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in parenting and have had to seek their forgiveness a few – or more than a few – times. Parents are not always right. Parents don’t always have the answers. Parents don’t always do or say the right thing. This is something I tell my kiddos all the time. It’s like I’m issuing a disclaimer each day: Bear with me… this is something I’m struggling with myself… I need a minute to think this over… let’s Google it. Parenting requires more than a dash of humility.

Parenting is a high calling. We’re literally creating relationship templates in our kiddos. How our kiddos see us interacting with each other and with them directly impacts how they think relationships are supposed to be – or the opposite depending on the healthiness or unhealthiness of what they witness. Likewise, the way we model our relationship with God directly effects how they see God and how approachable (or unapproachable) He is. I think my template got a bit messed up in a few places over the course of my mostly great childhood.

I grew up with the understanding that Jesus, the Son of God, was all about relationships, while the Father was a bit unapproachable. He was to remain shrouded in mystery until we cross into Heaven. Anyone else have a similar understanding? But the Bible literally tells us that if we have seen Jesus, then we’ve seen the Father (John 14:9-11, John 12:45-50, Colossians 1:15, Hebrews 1:3).

What about our prayers? We pray, Jesus takes it to God the Father, and the Father may or may not say yes – depends on if it’s His will… but His will is something that’s a mystery. Anyone else grow up with this? But the Bible literally tells us His good and perfect will (II Peter 3:9, I Timothy 1:3-4), but we also know that God isn’t going to have His good and perfect will come to pass (Matthew 7:13-14). Geez, this is a bit of a mess, isn’t it?

If you’ve read a few of my more recent posts, you may recall that I’m going through some emotional healing. Most everyone in America has some type of father issues or mother issues. Many just have parent issues. I think I simply have trust issues. As I recently dug into a course for another ministry venture, I started noticing some things in myself that were needing to be mended and I was able to track the damage done to my relationship template back 26 years. That’s a lot of time for reactionary habits to form. Restoration can happen, but it can’t be done without God. And it can’t be done with God if I view Him as aloof and unapproachable.

My husband is a wonderful father to our kiddos. He comes home from work each day to 1 or more of them running outside to greet him as he gets out of his truck. They play games with him that’s not limited to cards and board games. One of their favorite games is pickpocketing his pocketknife and hiding it somewhere in the house. They give him clues and wait to see if he can find it. They know him. They ask him for things, they tell him about their dreams, they hug and wrestle and tickle and snuggle. They test out jokes on him (and some of the deliveries have improved). They blossom because of his love that he lavishes on them – and he’s not the perfect father!

Yes, those are the younger kiddos. Of course they do that, but what about our oldest daughter? She’s out of the house, married and made us grandparents. My husband adopted her when she was 9. He chose her. She calls him Dad. After over a dozen years, she calls and talks with him about her day, her problems, her concerns, her joys and accomplishments. She seeks him out for his wisdom. He didn’t adopt her into his family, give her his name, and a stake in the family inheritance just to be aloof and detached. He knows his kiddos and his kiddos know him.

Many people get saved, give their hearts to God, ask Jesus into their heart (pick one), but they stop at Jesus, the Son. The Father, on the other hand, is left a mystery. That’s being adopted into the family of God, being given the family name of Christian, and not knowing the Father who adopted you. If we view God as mysterious and unknown, why would we trust Him? I can’t undo the pain, but God can heal it. I can’t undo the past, but God can turn it into something good… something beautiful. But why would I trust Him if I don’t know Him?

Esther Perel, a well-known author and psychotherapist, once said the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. I see the truth in that statement, but I’m going to amend it for our reading pleasure. I believe that the quality of our relationship with God determines the quality of our lives. With God. Knowing Him. Trusting Him.

We’re supposed to know our Father. He wants us to know Him. If He didn’t want to be known, the Bible would be very different and not nearly as long or interesting. But He chose us, He adopted us and has given us inheritance rights as sons and daughters – that includes the totality of His kingdom. Why does He do this? Why does He bother with adopting us and bringing us under the protection of His identity?

Because that’s who He is. We often hear that God is good and it’s true. But the connotation of the word good has evolved into something closer to mediocre or just okay. My God – my Father – is nowhere close to being mediocre. I may not know Him as well as I would like, but I do know that much.

I know you’ve gotten this far and you’re waiting for the solution. You want me to get to the point already about how to get to know the Father, how to have our relationship with our Father flourish, and what in the world I’m going to do with getting my relationship template fixed after 26 years. And it’s an easy answer: read your Bible and talk to God. Get into His Word and learn who He is. Discover His heart for you. Discover the promises He made to you. Do you know what your inheritance is as His child? Learn that, too. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you as you’re in His Word.

I know some out there will be looking for more when it comes to an action plan, but reading the Bible and talking with Him is it. As we (because I’m right there with you) start improving the quality of our relationship with our Father, we’re going to start seeing an improvement in the quality of our lives. We’ll find answers to relational problems, we’ll have direction and discretion in financial decisions, and I might even be able to see a 26-year-old hurt healed and transformed into something beautiful.

Because that’s who our Father is and that’s what He does.