Quiet, Sporadic, & Ugly

Ever find yourself needing to say do as I say and not as I do? After last week’s post Shake it Off, I felt pumped up to welcome in the new year – SHAKE OFF YOUR DUST. Right now, part of me is searching for my receipt so I can examine the return policy on 2022. Then, the logical part of me that is completely detached from emotionalism, recognized what I was going through for what it was: a spiritual attack. Apparently, the layer of dust I have to shake off is a bit thicker than I originally thought.

I’ve been doing this blog thing since January 2019, went public April 1, 2019, and have 160 posts (this includes book reviews, too). While this is meant to be a ministry, it is also an outlet for yours truly. I enjoy digging into scripture and sharing my findings, offering a bit of entertainment in my delivery (usually at the expense of my kiddos or myself), and I even enjoy the times that I get a bit more transparent. I’m confident that seeds have been planted, perspectives of who God is have shifted (He’s such a good, good God!), and encouragement has been received. Even so…

I listen to a lot of worship music, sermons, podcasts, and read as often as I can (I have 4 kiddos under 10). I enjoy sharing the nuggets of wisdom, the truths about God, and a hope that can help carry us through the day. I enjoy the challenge of having to articulate my thoughts into coherent sentences (I’m not sure anyone really understands what a feat that is). I love writing about the One who loves me! Even so…

The spiritual attack I’ve been experiencing has so many layers of malicious whisperings. Layers that include what kind of wife and mother I am, the way I homeschool, my physical appearance, how I keep house, how I influence our budgeting, and what difference is this blog really making? Malicious whispers that inched in and knocked me to the ground. I found myself doing a bit of quiet crying, sporadic crying, and ugly crying. It certainly wasn’t pretty. Add to it a head cold in which the snot’s thicker than molasses (no, it’s not the big C – been there; done that) and I’m fortunate to be breathing at all!

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

So, with swollen eyes and a nose blown raw, I decided to start calling the devil out on his schemes. Mind you, I was still experiencing the quiet, sporadic, and ugly crying, couldn’t breathe and was on a rampage of cleaning house (throwing stuff away – I was throwing stuff away) but I had a new mission: bind the little piece of junk who’s been getting his jollies from my pain.

 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 (NIV)

Remember those malicious whispers I mentioned? I know I’m not alone in hearing them. They may be a little different for each person, but here’s mine:

You can’t be a loving mother with so little patience. Your husband is better with the kiddos than you are – they love him more. He doesn’t make them redo their handwriting work, making them cry. Your husband may say that you’re beautiful, but it’s just to pacify your vanity. How can you be beautiful with postpartum curves and thinning hair? Stop looking at your appearance and take a look at your home! You’re not cleaning thoroughly enough or fast enough – everything in the home is your responsibility and you’re a dismal failure. 

Does any of that hit home? I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Then I receive my notice of renewal for keeping Oh Bless It! alive and well. Why pay to keep it going? No one actually reads your ramblings. Why would anyone care what you have to say about God? You don’t have a degree or formal training. Like with homeschooling your kiddos, you’re wasting your time with writing. Even so…

I went from enjoying a movie with my husband to quiet tears in the dark. It just took seeing a pile of laundry. As I tried to explain to him what was going through my mind, the ugly crying began. I realized I was under a spiritual attack (Ephesians 6:12), but saying the words seemed so very difficult. Your husband is just going to think you’re looking for attention; you’re being dramatic; you don’t know anything about spiritual matters. He’s just going to brush this off as your being a hormonal woman. All to keep me paralyzed in my own nightmarish thoughts.

But I didn’t stay paralyzed in fear. I asked for prayer. While I didn’t express all of the lies echoing through my mind, I think the quiet, sporadic, and ugly tears got my hubby’s attention. As he prayed for me (yes, right then and there) I felt something warm wash over me and a stronger, kinder voice broke through. He comforted me: I didn’t need to compare myself, my home, my kids, or my talents with anyone.

My home may not be perfect, but God resides here. My kiddos may drive me nuts at times, have a bit of a feral side, and need extra help with handwriting, but they know who God is and that He’s a good Father. I may not write for a large audience, but if I’m sharing God’s Word, then it will impact someone (Isaiah 55:11) … even if only one.

This very recent experience with the power of prayer has made me realize that we all need prayer. Regardless of what you do in this life and for the kingdom of God, we all need prayer. We all need someone in our corner to help carry the load when it becomes a bit too heavy. While I have chosen to continue writing, sharing God with a little bit of humor and getting slightly raw at times (as I blow my nose – again), I also want to extend a prayer opportunity.

I’m going to take this experience – the one that the devil wanted to see me crushed and paralyzed with – and use it. I want to pray for you. Nothing private needs to be shared and nothing will show up in future posts. To be personally part of it, there’s one small thing for you to do.

• Leave a comment OR email me (ohblessitgrace@gmail.com) An emoji or a simple Hi! works just fine.

Regardless, please know that I pray over each piece I publish on this site. I pray for each of my subscribers. I pray for each individual who may come across Oh Bless It! while online. I pray for the seeds that are planted to be watered and nurtured into fruition. I pray. And now I want to pray specifically for you if you’ll allow me the opportunity.

This year may have come with a bit of a rocky start (stupid spiritual attack) but prayer packs a powerful punch, and I look forward to being in your corner.