Mine? or His?

Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve had trust issues. I’m pretty sure it started with a scenario of “going out” with a boy. We were both about 14 years old and I found out that he cheated on me… with a good friend of mine. He didn’t even tell me but let me hear it from someone else. We would pass each other in the halls at school and he wouldn’t even say hello and seldom made eye contact. It was a heartbreak – the first I had ever felt in the arena of romance.

This was also the same time frame of my parents separating. This separation eventually ended in divorce, and I know that it ranks pretty high up there in moments that have marked me and helped shape me into who I am today. There are times that I take stock in my own marriage: we’re coming up on 12 years… we’ve had some rough times, but we got through it… we’re stronger today than we were on our wedding day… but will we be able to make it? We get closer and closer to the timeframe that my own parents separated and I can’t help but be on guard.

Parents are usually, in the eyes of a child, the ultimate authority on everything. Around the preteen and teen years, this ultimate authority title no longer includes anything of consequence. There is still a comfort in the faithfulness of a family unit. After more than 25 years, I can say with certainty that I don’t harbor any resentment towards my parents. They’re human and they fail… I’m human and I fail on a regular basis.

This may come across as harsh, but I trust that my husband will fail me. In some way, whether he fails to take out the trash after he’s said he’ll take out the trash, or just simply not doing things to the standard I would do them, he’s going to fail me. I’m not a full-fledged OCD perfectionist, but there are certain things I don’t ask my husband to do because I can’t stand the thought of them being done in any way that’s different from how I would do them. We wash dishes differently (you can’t have clean dishes if you have a dirty sink). We work in the kitchen differently (clean as you cook). We shop and buy differently (brand names don’t always matter, but when they do, they really do). We. Are. Different.

There are ways that we’ve failed each other that had nothing to do with how we do dishes, work in the kitchen, or how we shop. My face has a habit of speaking when my mouth doesn’t, I tend to bottle and then burst, I lean on passive-aggressiveness too often, and I don’t always forgive easily. We’ve struggled. We’ve fought (sometimes passive-aggressively). We could have fallen apart in these times, but instead we chose to grow stronger. This strength we’ve found in our relationship doesn’t mean that I no longer have trust issues or that there are never concerns in regard to each other. My trust issues are still there, but they have grown dull in the light of learning of God’s goodness.

As I mentioned in my post The Poison of Gratitude, I’ve challenged myself to memorize Psalm 91. I’ve gotten the first 5 verses memorized and I have to say that I get chills as I have been spending time on this chapter.

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4 NIV

His faithfulness… His faithfulness. I’m glad it’s not my faithfulness, that’s for sure! But how many times have we allowed our own trust issues, born out of broken relationships, friendships that died from neglect, and/or being lied to or cheated on a time or two (or a dozen), to taint the trust we have in our Heavenly Father? Have you ever prayed for something? Ever doubted whether or not God would answer you? We tend to doubt that God will do something because it must not be His will or we have unconfessed sin in our life. We might start making promises, God, if you do this, I promise I’ll… and we know we can’t keep the promise, but we make it anyway.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. II Corinthians 1:20 NIV

There are other instances in which we start navel-gazing. We start looking at all the ways in which we fail – that must be why God doesn’t answer our cry for help. We picture God as Santa and just know that we’re on the naughty list because we can’t ever measure up. We failed in word, thought, or deed (or in every way). We didn’t hold up our end of the bargain, so God decided to withhold from us. Our faith in His accomplished work at the cross falters.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. Deuteronomy 7:9 NIV

Memorizing what I have so far of Psalm 91 has had me focusing more on Him. I’ve been picturing a comforter, a warrior, a peaceful retreat, a fortified castle. God is so much more than we may initially realize. I proclaim on this site that God is good, but it’s a simple word that falls so very short.

Your word, Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens. Your faithfulness continues through all generations; you established the earth, and it endures. Psalm 119:89-90 NIV

He is faithful even when I am not. He. Is. Faithful. He provided a way when there was no way (Isaiah 59:16). He created the world and holds it together (Hebrews 1:1-3). His faithfulness is our shield and rampart (Psalm 91:4).

There have been too many times that I have turned a focusing eye onto myself instead of looking steadfastly at Him. I’ve often found I’m on the outside looking in – I want to dwell in His shelter, not just look in at it. I want to rest in His shadow; I picture Him standing guard and also protecting me from harmful UV rays. He. Is. Faithful. In the big things and in the little things. I want more of Him.