Have you ever prayed that God would do something, provide something, or reveal something… and then it seemed that all hell broke loose? You ask a question, and you never realized that you weren’t ready for the answer. You’re trucking along, pleased with your marriage, your kiddos, your faith… almost everything is completely great! What could possibly happen to derail almost everything you cherish in this life?
I had to ask.
I remember, after another enjoyable small group Bible study that my husband and I were leading, specifically thinking about our marriage. This was back at the beginning of the year, but I vividly recall thinking about how solid a couple we were, how we complement each other in so many ways, and how we so easily can talk for hours without realizing it. And this was marriage at almost 15 years. Guys, I was patting myself on the back!
When we had first moved to that area, we weren’t out searching for a church. We had invested time and energy and heart into a previous church and ended up burned. But when we did start looking, it seemed almost too easy to find the church we would call home. The search for a new church can be so daunting! We weren’t looking for a building that looked nice – we were looking for a church family. A place where we wouldn’t just grow, but where we would thrive. All of us – the kiddos, too. And we only had to visit one church to find our church home.
We started getting involved by attending on Sundays and joining a small group. Before we knew it, they asked that we consider leading a small group, my daughter and I started volunteering in the children’s ministry, I was attending the women’s ministry, and one of my kiddos started going to the youth group. If you’ve never heard it, it’s true that when you are ministering to others, it really does minister to you as well.
The season we were in at that time was one of mixed comfort. Not everything was sunshine and rainbows. We absolutely loved our church, but we were in need of a new place to live. We were a family of six living in a home with less than 1300 square feet and a property that was listed in square footage instead of partial acreage. Our home was a blessing, but we were outgrowing it.
We had looked for a new place locally, but we couldn’t seem to find something that checked even half of the boxes that was in our price range. Beach communities can be very expensive. It would have to be a God-thing and we knew it. But then we decided that we would rather be closer to family (same state, but about a 4-hour drive from our church home). No biggie… how hard could it be to find a new church home?
I had to ask.
An offer for housing came up at just the right time that would land us literally with the family. My husband asked me if I thought it was a good idea – did I want to do it – and I didn’t hesitate when I said yes. The reality of leaving our church home hit later, but we were excited for what was on the horizon. We were moving where we had been wanting to move! And we felt that God was opening the doors. What could go wrong?
I had to ask.
This move has been the hardest move I’ve ever experienced. I’ve moved across the country as a teenager with one parent during their divorce. That was hard. I’ve moved from one country to another as a single mom with nothing more than two large duffel bags and a car seat – that was hard. I’ve had hard moves, but this one takes the cake.
There are things that matter to me – I’m talking about the ridiculous things that some people would shrug off – I’ve suddenly found that I’m just going to have to move past with a brave face. But it’s temporary, so maybe I need to shrug it off… and I’ve been trying to work around it. But then there have been deeper things that matter to me – that I thought mattered to my husband – that I can’t seem to shrug off so easily and he’s already moved on from the discussion. That has me feeling a loneliness that is hard to explain, and I realize that I’m aching for what we had and where we were back at the beginning of the year.
So, then I have to ask…
I’ve been praying the prayers that seem more like demands. Saying things like God, this is something You said – You promised this – so why aren’t You delivering? I’ve been trying to tell myself that I just have to shrug certain things off that matter to me – what’s the big deal? I know I’m not perfect, but I’m right about this, aren’t I, God?
Even in my highly disrespectful prayers that God knew were coming long before I did, God still chose to answer me without knocking me upside the head. And it came from someone on social media. Mind you, I rarely get on Instagram. I usually only check my messages on that platform when my oldest asks if I got her message that she sent days ago. But I clicked on the app to enter a site that helps people mindlessly scroll for hours on end. And I felt my heart miss a beat.
A Christian influencer that I have since decided to read more of made a post that hit home. It spoke of how I’m not falling apart, but I’m being pulled out of false strength… the rhythms I once knew can’t hold true anymore and I’m getting more and more exhausted from trying to sustain a version of me that God never intended to preserve. Whoa.
…a version of me that God never intended to preserve…
And the next slide came with the headline of God isn’t just changing your surroundings… He’s dismantling your survival… He’s not just calling me forward – He’s calling me deeper. There’s a false peace being stripped off of me so that I can know true strength – His strength. So, I have a few questions: What if the tension in my heart is actually the pain of expansion? What if God is not absent and silent, but He’s there, talking to me, in newly formed places that are the sacred grounds of my heart?
I had to ask.
This surrender is painful. I never experienced withdrawal symptoms when I went from the life of a drunk to being free of it, but I feel as though God is weaning me off of habits, comforts, and systems that kept me functional but not free. And I’m feeling the withdrawal of the familiar. Is this part of God’s plan to prepare me for the season that’s coming? Maybe I can’t survive the season that’s coming using the same systems that I so badly want to hold onto. Is this really failure, or is it in fact the forge?
All of this (and more) I’ve been pouring over, seeking God in, and circling back to over and over again. There have been more ugly tears cried in the past eight months than at any other time in my life… it’s felt like a complete shattering. But perhaps that’s what has to happen in order to be reformed.
Maybe it’s better to see it as pruning instead of loss. It’s not punishment, but it’s protection. He’s not cutting me down, but rather He’s preparing me to have the capacity for more. Old wineskins will ruin new wine (Mark 2:22) – I have to let go of what will ruin me.
I’m sharing all of this, trying to be as transparent in my struggle as I can while also respecting others, because we’re not meant to struggle alone. God is more than faithful and He’s in it with us – but He’s also blessed us with others to come along beside us to pray for and with us, to offer us godly counsel, and to encourage us when we’re crying those ugly tears.
For anyone who is also struggling with a season, for anyone who is feeling the withdrawal symptoms from the loss of the familiar that’s been holding you back, keep your focus on Jesus. As you focus on Him, on His love for you and His over-abundance of grace, it makes it easier to face the uncertainty of the day. Oh, I’m trying to take my own advice and it’s not easy… but keep trying to focus on Jesus. And keep asking the questions. God hears you, He cares, and He’s the One who will provide all the answers.