There have been a lot of ups and downs for me over the last four (plus) decades. A lot. And a lot of those downs were of my own making, too. I bet most everyone out there can relate to some of that – the roller coaster that life can be as a result of choices made by a fallen world and all of its inhabitants. I might be trucking through life with no bumps in the road to be seen, but then I find myself tripped up by something that came out of nowhere. And sometimes what we think would be the thing to trip us up turns out to be a big non-issue because God is just that good.
Near the end of 2018, I came to the absolute end of myself. I was a fall-down drunk and it wasn’t a pretty sight. I had struggled with alcohol since I was a teenager. I kept telling myself that drinking was normal behavior, that going out drinking with friends was perfectly fine, and I believed the lie that I didn’t have a problem – even when I started closet-drinking. In the midst of my struggle with alcohol – when I didn’t see it as a problem – I got married, had babies (by the grace of God, I was sober for all of my pregnancies), and found that I very much enjoyed learning about God’s grace and goodness. Yes, you read that correctly.
Ironic, isn’t it? A drunk kept finding a sliver of joy in learning more and more about God. Sure, I kept going back to the liquor store, even when I vowed that that specific day would be a dry one, but the seeds of faith kept being planted and the harvest season was coming.
Did you know that planting a seed is an act of faith? You put this little thing in the dirt, bury it, give it water and sunshine, and that’s it. You don’t dig it up to check on the progress. You don’t crack the seed open yourself. You plant it and leave it. There’s something beautiful that happens when seeds of faith are planted, watered, and given the space and time they need in order to grow. My Nana said once that we plant the seeds and water them with our prayers.
Well, there I was at the end of 2018, and I had been without alcohol for a couple weeks only because of my husband (God blessed me with a very patient man). My drinking problem kept escalating, after lunch wasn’t soon enough, and I had started planning the inclusion of my drinking in every activity and outing. My husband didn’t give me an ultimatum, but he did tell me I needed to take a break from the bottle. When I say it was bad, I’m not sure I can accurately describe that time of my life and our marriage.
There have only been a handful of times that I wish I had a sobriety coin, but I shouldn’t have what I never earned. Christmas Eve of 2018, I didn’t free myself from the shackles of alcoholism and I didn’t break the chains of addiction. I’ve never attended an AA meeting, I’ve never had an official sponsor, and I never went through the throws of withdrawal. But God is that good.
It wasn’t something I could do in my own strength – it was all God.
I don’t want this to come across as a prideful post, and I do not want anyone to read this part of my story and feel discouraged that they didn’t have their chains broken so suddenly and so efficiently. Not every story is the same, God works differently with different people, and He does everything for the purpose of bringing about His glory. What I want in this is to encourage others to seek God. Take it from a former alcoholic – anyone at any time can seek God.
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided to you. Matthew 6:33 NASB
I recently heard a message that instructed the congregation to chase after faithfulness. The pastor was telling the church to chase after being faithful – put your energy and focus into your faithfulness. As soon as I heard it, I bristled up. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be faithful to God, but it is literally impossible! It’s like telling someone to be righteous. If we could be faithful – if we could be righteous – we wouldn’t need Jesus. Chasing after my being faithful will simply catapult me into a cycle of frustration. It’s like those days that I vowed I wouldn’t drink, but I had a drink in my hand by noon.
I can see it now: Sunday morning I resolve to read my Bible in a year, but it’s just a week later that I’m beating myself up for being a faithless failure… again. This is hope deferred – I want to be faithful, but I fail over and over again. I want to be righteous, but I’m constantly battling sinful thoughts and actions. This repetitive failure will discourage and push us to giving up all hope of ever being acceptable (Proverbs 13:12).
Matthew 6:33 doesn’t tell us to seek our righteousness or our kingdom… Jesus is speaking in this verse and is telling us that all the things we worry about in this life need to take a backseat. We’re being told to seek His righteousness, and in that, His faithfulness. We do that, we put our focus and energy into seeking Him and what He’s done and all – ALL – of everything else will be provided.
As I was reading my Bible the other day (I can’t say that I do it faithfully), I noticed something I hadn’t seen before. After the people of Israel bore witness to the plagues of Egypt, they walked out with the riches of their former slave-masters, the Red Sea was parted (walked through on dry ground), they constantly had God before them as they traveled, and God provided for them water and food. Yet they complained, grumbled, and they flew into worried panics at the sign of any potential lack.
Then God asks Moses how long the people would refuse to obey and follow His instructions (Exodus 16:28). Ouch! I felt that land in my heart. How many times has God protected me, guided me, comforted me, provided for me – and He freed me from alcoholism without my even experiencing withdrawals or cravings! Yet I’m just like the Israelites. I worry and I stress. I struggle with the everyday stuff.
Even after all of the miraculous signs and wonders, even after the constant provision of their physical well-being, they didn’t trust Him. That’s really what obedience – faithfulness – boils down to, isn’t it? Trust. If you trust God, you’ll listen to Him. You’ll follow His instructions. You’ll know that He is leading you in the perfect direction. You’ll rest in Him because you trust that He is faithful.
I never want to say that I’m chasing after my own faithfulness. I’ve seen what my faithfulness amounts to. I would rather chase His. His faithfulness stretches through all eternity, and it cultivates the soils that hold the seeds of hope. I can confidently say that alcohol does not trip me up anymore. I can be around others drinking, I can walk through the alcohol isle at the store, and I have zero cravings and zero desire for any of it. God made it to be a non-issue for me. Not because I’m holding myself in check or because I’m that good. He is faithful and He is that good.
If you’re struggling with addiction of any kind, there is so much hope – but the hope is found in His faithfulness, His righteousness… His goodness. I highly recommend listening to Bible-teaching, grace-filled pastors. If you’re not sure where to start, I have a list that I’m more than happy to share with you (email me at ohblessitgrace@gmail.com or leave a comment). If you’re simply wanting to deepen your relationship with Him – grow the bonds of trust – it’s the same advice. And get into the Word.
Focus on God’s goodness, His faithfulness… His righteousness. You’ll start to see all of the other stuff become non-issues because He is that good.
Thanks for sharing your story and God’s goodness.