When there’s a new member added to the family, through birth or adoption, there’s a shift that happens within the “ranks” of that family. For the most part, the shifting in ours has been pretty seamless. Our eldest is grown and moved out with a family of her own, so our 9 year old daughter has taken on the responsibility of being the oldest kiddo in the house. She may or may not like it all the time. For the most part, I think she enjoys bossing her siblings around from time to time, and she especially loves being a second mommy to the baby. Our one and only boy has been the middle child for as long as he can remember, so nothing really shifted for him. Our 5 year old daughter, on the other hand, has had some adjusting to do. She was the baby of the family for almost 5 years and has been shoved to the middle-child-bench she has to share now with her brother.
With the change in the ranks, there have been a few meltdowns. As parents, we had taught a bit on forgiveness, but we’ve had to amp it up. There’s also been a bit more purposeful cuddling sessions with the kiddos, individually, and words affirming our love for them given much more often. When the meltdowns happen, usually when they disagree on engineering points at the Lego table, settling it has included tears coupled with a few sobbing attempts at words of explanation. And that’s just my husband and me – just kidding! Once the tears are absorbed into tissues and the shaking shoulders have stilled, apologies are made. Then, the one who came as the “victim” is to forgive. Sometimes they both have to apologize and then both forgive – hopefully that Lego building ends up structurally sound.
Because they’re getting older, they ask more questions than before and they tend to be a bit more intelligent questions as well. Why do we have to say we forgive them? I learned, as a child, that we have to forgive because God forgave us… If we don’t forgive others, then God won’t forgive us. This is all backed up by scripture (Matthew 6:14-15), so there’s nothing to question, right? I’m not so sure anymore with other scriptures that paint a different picture of who God is.
“When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.” Colossians 2:13-14 (NIV)
God’s Word is absolute Truth. He forgave all our sins, canceled the charge, and has taken it away – He made us alive with Christ.
“Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, and since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool. For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” Hebrews 10:11-14 (NIV)
He has made perfect forever… those who forgive perfectly. What? No, He has made perfect forever those who are being made perfect. We’re in process, but we were forgiven all our sins, all the charges against us were canceled and taken away (as far as the east is from the west according to Psalm 103:12). If you ever have any doubt about the validity of your salvation, please take a look at my post He Sat Down.
I’ve noticed that there are a lot of churches that teach what they call a “balanced grace.” Balance is good, right? I love balance! Most people do. If you want a paycheck, you have to work. If you want your kiddos to be well-behaved and respectful, then you have to do the work of training them. If there’s a hurt, there should be forgiveness. If you want salvation, then you have to keep the rules. Balance! I suppose you get the picture? A “balanced grace” does not, however, describe God.
Remember the scripture passage about the adulterous woman (John 8:1-11)? The scribes and Pharisees brought a woman, caught in adultery, before Jesus. There are some who speculate on whether this was a set-up: how did they know that they could catch her in the very act and why did they only bring her before Jesus and not the man, as well? It takes two, doesn’t it? Whether it was a set-up in that way or not, it was a set-up in another way: they were out to trap Jesus in regards to grace and law.
In all the ways they had witnessed (or heard) Jesus deal in grace, in all the ways He taught grace, and operated in grace – they knew He would not condemn a sinner brought to Him. The scribes and Pharisees placed their confidence in the law, they boasted in the law, and they operated in the law (not perfectly – such irony!). Those who boast in the law and claim they can keep the law do not know the law – it is unbending; it is absolute. With their faith in the law, they then pitted Jesus against Moses… against the law. Really? Just because we’re not under law doesn’t mean the law is our enemy! Without the law, we’d have never known we needed a savior!
Jesus, in His unbending and absolute perfection, showed Himself as Moses’ Lord instead of His enemy. We can read what happened next: Jesus acted as though He didn’t hear their accusations of the woman, writing on the ground (this was in the temple and the floor was a stone floor – connection with a certain set of stone tablets?), and finally told them that the one without sin could throw the first stone. He didn’t call into question the validity of the law… He didn’t dispute it. He fulfilled it!
This is not someone who withholds forgiveness. He already gave it when He died on the cross over 2,000 years ago. We are able to forgive because we’ve been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). Instead of condemning the woman for her part in something that absolutely broke the law, He extended grace.
I wanted to write about this because I have been struggling with forgiveness. As we’ve been teaching our kiddos about forgiving each other, I’ve recognized that I am a burn-me-thrice-and-we’re-done (like the 3 strikes and you’re out). For some, depending on the vibes I get from them, it may even be a one-time burn. This has proven to be difficult. How many times and how many ways do we allow hurts, heartbreaks, and injustices? For that answer, check out one of my favorite posts on the topic of prayer and forgiveness, Prayer Provision.
We are teaching our kiddos that forgiving quickly is healing. With unforgiveness, if allowed to take root, we then have bitterness to contend with, contempt to stamp out, and distrust that stands in the way of a future relationship. Why would anyone want that in their life? Sure, we can say it’s the other person’s problem; it’s their fault. But if I recognize it in myself and choose not to deal with it in the way God would have me deal with it, I suffer the consequences of bitterness, contempt, and distrust. I also risk the loss of fellowship that can be ushered in with forgiveness.
Jesus, the Lord of Moses, upheld the law when He offered forgiveness to the woman of John 8 (why should she forever be known as the adulterous woman? Like a scarlet letter?). As a child of God, one who has already been made perfect and is being made holy, I choose to forgive others because God chose to forgive me! Even – and especially – when it’s so very hard to forgive.
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” I John 4:10 (NIV)
“We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.” I John 4:19-20 (NIV)