Grace ≠ Licentiousness

All relationships have something in common: they all come with some sort of expectation. With a spouse, there are definitely expectations (and it’s really good to get those sorted out sooner than later). Without this turning into a gender bash, I am the one who is expected to cook dinner. Not that my husband is incapable or unwilling, but he works outside the home and I don’t. Plus, I like my cooking better than his. I also do the shopping for the family. If it were left to my husband, the kiddos may or may not have underwear that fits (although that’s happened under my watch, too) and what exactly is the use of deodorant again? I also have expectations of my husband. I expect that he leads our family according to the Spirit. I expect him to make wise decisions in our financial investments, in our future planning, and in his work. While we discuss these areas together, ultimately, I back him up in his final determinations. All a part of our mutual expectations.

As parents, we have expectations of our children – and children have expectations of their parents. Most of the expectations our children have of parents are unvoiced. If I were to ask my 9yo daughter if she expected us to feed her, clothe her, give her a place to live, and protect her, I’m certain she would say yes. But it’s not something she has to ask us to do. We’re going to do those things naturally. Naturally out of love… not out of obligation, a mandate, or as a government requirement… naturally because we love them. The same is true for our relationship with God.

There are many out there who believe that grace-believers are excited because we have “license to sin.” We quote scriptures about all things being lawful but not all things being beneficial (I Corinthians 10:23) as a way to explain that the legalities are not an issue anymore. Unfortunately, many hear a different message – that we can sin without condemnation and any real consequences. Paul, the author of I Corinthians, is stating that we’re not under the heavy yoke of the Law – but that by breaking those laws there are consequences. If you cheat on your spouse, you’re breaking the law. You’re not going to be held condemned by God for breaking that law, but there will absolutely be consequences that must be faced for cheating on your spouse.

My parents went through a not-so-friendly separation and divorce when I was a teenager. They did their best to keep my brother and me out of the disputes and hurtful exchanges. What they couldn’t avoid is how my brother and I had our world of safety, comfort, and stability crumble around us. While they may have seen the end coming, we were fairly blindsided. That kind of thing can seriously mess with a person, especially a teenager. As a result, I felt the need to test people from that point on. How far could I push them before they would give up and leave. Let’s face it: everyone has a breaking point. All through high school, I was on a mission to put the good girl persona behind me because if I was as bad as possible, I would be able to find out who truly loved me – and I believed that to be no one, not even God.

If I didn’t look the part, talk the part, or act the part of a good girl, there sure wouldn’t be any way that I could let anyone down. I was still quite a bit prudish – there were and are things that I couldn’t bring myself to do and wouldn’t stoop low enough for. And even when drugs were in the picture, I was terrified by them. If the bar was low, I assumed that I wouldn’t let anyone down, and then they couldn’t hurt me. Logically, it was never going to work the way I thought it would – but we all know that teenagers are infinitely wise and know everything better than adults, so there was nothing anyone could say to change my mind. This “logic” that I was living my life by carried over even into adulthood… even into my marriage.

I put my husband and children through quite a bit in the first 7 years of our marriage. Alcohol had sunk its teeth in me while in high school and was a big draw for me as an adult. It nearly crippled our family. But what I realized was that as much as I was pushing the limits, crossing the line, and testing just how far I could go before seeing someone else leave or wash their hands of me, it became so clear (not a shred of doubt) that God never had a line to mark the limit.

It was as though God was standing there saying, over and over again, in every drunken moment I tried to throw His way, “Nope, dealt with that… oh that? No, I dealt with that, too. That thing you just did? Well, that’s as far as the east is from the west. Nothing you can do will separate us. That stupid thing you’re about to do won’t undo what my Son accomplished for you.” It took me quite some time to understand what was accomplished for me. While I was busy trying to see how far I could push my husband, and even trying to push God away (because I was convinced that I still wasn’t good enough for Him to stay around), God was working on him, too.

For anyone who doesn’t know him, my husband is the most patient man you’ll ever meet. He’s happier than any person I know; his smiles and laughter reinforce that assessment, and he’s quick to make friends with anyone he meets. He’s not a doormat, but he also doesn’t jump to being offended. While I’m at one end of the trusting spectrum, he’s at the opposite end. I trust very little while he trusts more easily. I’m a “burn me once, shame on you… burn me twice, we’re done” kind of person, and he will give the benefit of the doubt and multiple chances before the burn of betrayal starts to penetrate his heart. He’s absolutely the type of person you would want in your corner because he will fight for you… even when you’re far from deserving his loyalty.

While I was testing limits with my husband, he started feeling it. He didn’t react the way most people would, but instead took it to God. He also sought wisdom from a select trusted individuals. He prayed. He prayed a lot. He would try different things, in his own logical thinking, to bring me back from the edge and I would take a baby step closer to the danger he was trying to coax me away from. On and on this went until He finally gave up. But his giving up wasn’t washing his hands of me or walking away. His giving up was giving up on his own ideas, the wisdom of others, and finally telling God to take care of it. Instead of giving me ultimatums and threats, he told me he would love me regardless. He told me what he wanted to see changed, but that he would still love me and stay with me even if that never happened.

What happened then was a breaking. While my husband didn’t know what God was working on in my heart, he decided to get out of the way and let God do His thing. And it came in a mighty way! When I tell people today that I’ve been sober for almost 3 years, they assume that I’m attending some type of AA meeting, doing some form of a 12 step program or the like, but what they’re surprised to find out is that all of the desire for any kind of alcohol was completely taken away from me! There’s no pull! I can be around friends and family while they’re drinking and have no discomfort. Walking through or past the alcohol section at the grocery store isn’t a challenge.

I said there was a breaking. It was the breaking of chains, the pulling down of strongholds; it was grace surpassing the requirements of the law. According to the finished work on the cross, the sins of the whole world are no longer an issue between mankind and God (I John 2:2). It’s not sin that will land people in hell for eternity – it is the rejection of God’s finished work on the cross. While there are people who state that we grace-believers take God’s sacrifice as an excuse to live in sin, I can’t help but feel sorry for them. If they just tasted the love that I experienced as my chains fell away, they would realize that the desire to live in sin is spread as far as the east is from the west.

I expect my Father to hold true to His promises of love, grace, and salvation in all of the forms presented in His Word. He is the only One who can be held to any expectations – the only One who has and will remain true regardless of my choices. I also expect that He delights in His daughter’s freedom, her life that’s free of condemnation, and is pleased as punch that she isn’t weighed down by the ultimatums that lead to death. Grace is not license to sin. Grace is God’s goodness poured out on the cross – and it’s only by His grace that we are able to live without bondage.