Our youngest has a birthday at the beginning of August and I’m starting to think of it as the intro to the best part of the year. Sure, kiddos are having to go back to school, my teacher friends and family are forced out of vacay mode and back into teaching mode, and traffic becomes noticeably worse. But it is the best time of year! The majority of our immediate family has birthdays in the fall that lead us into Thanksgiving (my favorite) and Christmas, all to be wrapped up by welcoming in the New Year. By the way, there’s 19 weeks and 4 days till Christmas – just to offer a bit of joy… or cue an eyeroll.
When we celebrated the first birthday of this magical season, I was in party-planning mode. We were celebrating with some extended family, and I wanted to make sure that there was something for everyone when it came to the menu. That’s normal, right? Well, 24 cupcakes, a regular cake, a cookie cake, and 5 different types of chips later… I had something for everyone. What? Yes, you read that right. Without getting hung up on the cake(s), let’s just look at the chips – 5 different types of chips! I think that’s a bit excessive. And for what reason? All so that I could make sure everyone was happy.
Happy with the chip selection? Or happy with me?
I was going through some training modules for another ministry venture and was confronted by this concept of trying to be good enough… for everyone… all the time… in every situation… and in every season. It’s impossible! As I started digging deeper over the next week, I realized that a lot of it stems back to, you guessed it, childhood! Whether it was communicated intentionally or not, I entered into adulthood not feeling worthy or good enough for anyone or anything.
No loving parent makes it their goal to hurt their children with their words, tones, or actions… but we’re not perfect. I pray that I don’t heap baggage on my kiddos, but I probably have, will, or currently do without even knowing it. If you’re a parent reading this – if you’re one of my parents reading this – please do not take this as accusation or condemnation. There are no actions or words to defend here because I have chosen forgiveness, but forgiving is only part of the healing process. And I’m still healing – remember the 5 bags of chips?
There are times that stand out in my memory that offer overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. Times that I wore too much make-up and times that I didn’t wear enough. The heavy emphasis placed on going to college and going to college being a must in order to be a success. The disappointment when I chose soccer over dancing, choir over clarinet, and being more interested in being rough and tough than being a beauty queen. I was once called a mistake (out of hurt, anger, and in the heat of the moment), and told that I could stay or go, but not with them (completely warranted based on how I was choosing to live, but I’ve still carried that moment as a rejection).
With choosing to not go to college, does that mean I’m not significant? Not important? Not successful enough for approval? What in my life shows the hurt of that mindset? Well, 5 bags of chips later… I’m constantly trying to prove myself. I may not have college degrees, but I will run myself into the ground to try to prove that I’m significant, important, and successful in the ways that I think are important. Is it more important to have degrees or to live a life that reflects God to the world? Can you have both – yes. Do you have to have the degrees to grow the kingdom – no. And growing the Kingdom is what matters.
There are times that I feel caught in a vicious cycle: I want to make a difference (grow the Kingdom). I’ve experienced miraculous healing and freedom that God wants to give to all His children no matter who they are, what and how many degrees they have, or how successful the world sees them (Acts 10:34). I want others to find freedom from addictions and become so overwhelmed by the magnitude of His love that they look forward to throwing on praise and worship, reading the Bible, and listening to sermons more than watching Netflix. But do I really want to make a difference for all those reasons or so that I’ll gain the approval I’ve come to believe I’ll never really have?
Every person has something they are trying to overcome or an area they are trying to prove themselves in. These things, these areas, all matter – but complete healing is not contingent on the person(s) – that we were hurt by – changing, or by finding success in the areas that we felt inadequate in. This has been a very important reminder for me as of late. My healing is not contingent on other people changing or retracting, but complete healing can only be found through God healing those hurts.
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. II Corinthians 3:17 NASB
This verse, plucked out of a chapter, can be used in so many different ways and still hold its meaning. The freedom Jesus purchased for us with His blood was so extensive that we barely even scratch the surface of it all. In this chapter of II Corinthians, Paul is explaining that we are completely inadequate on our own. We could never find freedom from anything without Him. All of it – sin, destruction, sickness, pain, evil strongholds, and death – on our own we would forever be in bondage. Without the Spirit of God living and working inside us, we are never going to come close to being good enough or have significance.
Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord and not for people, knowing that it is from the Lord that you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. Colossians 3:23-24 NASB
For anyone out there who has struggled with this, please know that there is hope and healing. I’m coming into greater revelation that it doesn’t matter who approves of me in this life as long as God approves of me. I’m learning even more about the truth of my identity as a child of the Most High King. As long as I’m living for the Lord, all of the other things will work themselves out. If I’m walking in the Spirit, He’s going to direct me even on what chips to buy! And if I’m yielding to Him and His opinion of me, then the heart of my motivations will be pure and appropriately placed.
There is healing where the Spirit of the Lord is… and with healing comes peace.
“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord and not for people, knowing that it is from the Lord that you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. Colossians 3:23-24” This was for me! Thank you!