Complementing Cohorts

This is not just another Father’s Day post, at least I don’t think so…. This post is being written to honor fathers, offer encouragement to dads (far and wide), and as is always true with this bric-a-brac blog, I’m giving my very unique and very, very important perspective. Wow! I can’t even type that with a straight face – I sound so full of myself! In reality, I want to brag a little and, in doing so, sprinkle some “feel-good” seeds that I hope will grow.

My husband, Ken, became a father when we were married, but legally became a father a year later – to the same kid! I know, confusing! While Ken chose me, he also chose my daughter, Sara. I had been a single mom for six years when Ken and I started dating, and he and Sara became fast friends. On our wedding day, Sara was a month away from being 8 years old, and (like me) had fallen in love with Ken. April 10, 2010, Ken became a step-dad.

Over the next several months, our little family became closer and closer. We shared a small 5th-wheel camper as a home for a few months, a paint bucket for a toilet, and first birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Oh, we had our moments, as all families do, but we genuinely liked being around each other (I can say the same is true today). Ken and I decided that we should pursue legal adoption. We were able to finalize Sara becoming a Brubaker on April 4, 2011. Ken became a dad.

Each time we have another kiddo, Ken becomes a dad… again. Being a dad to one is hard, and he’s become a dad to three more since; that’s not including all the youth that he mentors! He also makes time to pursue God, dote on me, have his hands deep in four business ventures, and keep his other relationships (friends and family, near and far) strengthened. Ken has a lot on his plate! Maybe he is “all that with a bag of chips – and a coke and a cookie on the side” … Anyone? From the nineties? Well, bless it, I thought it was funny.

With all that he’s been in his life (and become; still becoming), a son and brother, a friend and mentor, an apprentice and businessman, a husband and father, father again, father again and again (and again and again and again…), there’s an irony that hasn’t escaped me: women were not built to be fathers. I tried to be both mother and father, but there were many areas for Sara that were left… lacking. Healthy daily routines? I did what I could. Rough-housing? You’re kidding, right? I was too exhausted after getting us out the door each morning for school and work, getting home to help with homework (and doing the parent homework – seriously?), cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, and starting it all over again the next day. Social life? Yeah. Right.

It takes someone pretty darn special to be a good dad. While the majority of the male population can reproduce without issue, that doesn’t automatically make them a good dad. Just to be clear, as a side note: sometimes being a good dad means releasing your parental rights so that someone else can step in and adopt (Thank you!). I could very easily go off on a rabbit-trail here, making a point about adoptive fathers, biological fathers, and the adoptive Father we have (can have if you’ve not already accepted His free gift of salvation) through our faith in Jesus Christ, but I’ll stick to the original and save some material for the book (always a work in progress).

God designed us, men and women, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, in the most perfect way. “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”” Genesis 2:18 (NIV) (Psst! This is when the first woman was created.) Man was not complete, so God created someone to complement him. There’s a difference between “compliment” (I love your new haircut!) and “complement” (your haircut really complements the shape of your face!). We each have strengths and weaknesses. Where I lacked as a single mom, Ken entered the picture and helped fill the voids. Ken also had voids that I helped fill (it’s the chocolate chip cookies). In the end, we complemented each other.

Believe it or not, while we complement each other in our strengths, we often complement each other in our weaknesses, too. Women are notorious for insecurities: I’m not able to be in ten different places, doing ten different things, with ten different people at the same time, therefore I’m an utter failure! This is all about women trying to take on more than we should. Most men carry their insecurities a bit less dramatically, but they still have them. Biblically charged with such a magnitude of responsibility, I would be stressed, too! But that’s why God gave Adam a woman. To be a helper (not the leader, not the head; a helper).

Every now and then, I’ll ask Ken how he’s doing because something just seems… off. It’s almost as though a light bulb goes off in his mind because he realizes that the anxiety, stress, and pressure that he feels is starting to show through. Not every guy is the same, and I know that, but any time there are expectations, there’s stress. Sometimes it’s healthy stress and sometimes it can get out of control and become very unhealthy. That’s where women need to stand up and be what they were created to be. We need to stop tearing our men down! We need to lift them up in what we say, how we say it, the attitude in how we do things, and most of all, prayer.

Let’s encourage the men in our life – let them know they’re doing a good job in the areas they’re excelling, and pray for them in the areas where they need to improve. Let’s cheer for the accomplishments and achievements, no matter how big or small. They need to know they’re not alone and have someone who believes in them. We need to hold them up when they feel too overwhelmed to stand. Fathers: You’re not alone! Reach out to those God has placed in your life that complement you. Those who have strengths where you feel weak. Someone who bakes homemade cookies for you because store-bought just won’t cut it.

God doesn’t make mistakes. For all of the men out there in every relationship place there is (son, father, uncle, brother, grandfather, friend, etc.): We believe in you – You got this!

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