Bread and Butter

I had a very different post written and intended for today, but you’re getting this one instead. Just to get right down to the point, however raw it may be (it is), I have puffy, red eyes, and an edge that I can’t seem to smooth out. While I feel like a fraud for having a day like this now and then, I know this isn’t the end of the story.

I don’t believe in the whole “Monday blues” and such. Sure, the weekend is over and there’s work to be done, but each day is what we make of it. We should choose to see Monday (and every other day) as a day of potential, not something to be dreaded that holds doom and gloom. That’s how I try to look at Mondays. Then today hit… But before I get into that, let me give you a little backstory.

Last June, we took in two teenage girls, relatives, who needed a place to stay for a while. They were coming from a home filled with strife: yelling, lying, manipulation, self-medicating being the norm, a heavy importance placed on appearances, and God didn’t seem to be in the picture. We knew it was going to be a shock to their system: we communicate without raised voices, we strive to be honest, we do our best to respect each other’s wishes, we barely have Tylenol in the house, we rarely buy name-brand anything, and we are addicted to the goodness of God. Big change for these girls.

One of them lasted two months and decided that she would rather face the strife in the home with her family for the next two years than do the work to change. We checked in on her several times over the next few months and could tell that we would be her last resort if she needed to get out (we’re a drug-free zone). The other teen decided to stay and seemed to blossom once her sister left.

Even though there’s four years between her and our oldest (oldest at home), there was so much laughter that echoed through our small home. She was a kiddo again with a lightness to her countenance and spirit. She stopped asking to stay home from church and started asking to go to youth group. She even asked if we would get her a Bible. While it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows, she just seemed to fit.

When the girls first arrived in our home, I was an absolute mess trying to make sure they had everything they needed, crying about the different things they had experienced, and praying for wisdom in how to help them heal and learn to forgive. I also found myself struggling to forgive. I found that I was so busy trying to feed into the girls that I was left with nothing else to give. This blog, my own ministry if you will, fell to the side.

Just before Christmas, our bonus kiddo went home. In some ways it was a mutual parting, but in other ways, my husband and I made the tough choice and decided she could no longer stay with us. We opened our home and our hearts and have had to pick up the pieces after being lied to, stolen from, and manipulated. While I know that I didn’t lie to, steal from, or manipulate her, I can’t help but feel as though I’m the one who failed. I wasn’t enough.

A wise lady in my church once said that one of the lies of the devil is that we are enough. We’re enough for our spouse, for our children, for our home, for our jobs, and for our friends. I once believed that we needed to see ourselves as enough, but I recognize the absurdity in that mindset. We are NOT enough and we’re not expected to be enough. If we were enough then there would be no need for Jesus. Without Jesus, we are never going to be enough. So what are we when we have Jesus?

I know that Christmas is over, but I learned something really cool while reading a devotional last month. Immanuel means God with us. Okay, so I didn’t learn that just last month, but rather something else that I never connected it to. In the Old Testament, when God promised to be with His people in battle, they were always victorious. When He promised to be with them during the years in the desert, they still thrived. When He was with them, they always came out on top.

The Holy Spirit was never in any of His people in the Old testament, but rather came upon, rested on, or went before. Was never in. When you have your daily vitamins to take, do you just hold them in your hand and expect your body to use them? Or do you swallow them so they can be in you and your body can use them?

Unlike the Old Testament – I prefer calling it the Old Covenant – we can have the Holy Spirit in us! We don’t just have the Holy Spirit when we’re going into battle, but we have the Holy Spirit all the time. Not sure about you, but I need this reminder. Especially on days like today.

Days that point to all the laundry that’s either not done or not put away, the coffee that gets spilled on my phone, the heart that misses my bonus kiddos, the doubt that creeps in that points accusing fingers at my failures. These are definitely the days that I need to remember that God is with me, in me. Always.

I’m starting, and will always be starting, from a place of victory because of Jesus’ finished work at the cross. We take on two additional kiddos without monetary assistance, yet we experience growth (even without regular work). Someone lies to me and they are exposed. Someone steals from me, yet I’m not set back financially. Someone scoffs, yet I’m the one standing tall and victorious. God is with me, in me. Always.

But Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had spied out the land, tore their clothes; and they spoke to all the congregation of the children of Israel, saying: “The land we passed through to spy out is an exceedingly good land. If the Lord delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, ‘a land which flows with milk and honey.’ Only do not rebel against the Lord, nor fear the people of the land, for they are our bread; their protection has departed from them, and the Lord is with us. Do not fear them.” Numbers 14:6-9 NKJV

In verse 9, Caleb and Joshua describe the giants in the land as their bread because the Lord is with them. This is how I need to see my own giants. I need to see them as bread. Something that will feed and grow my faith. All the times I feel like a failure, all the times the devil whispers his lies in my ear – I need to pull out a slab of butter and let my faith be fed. I’m not prey for the devil and his schemes – he’s my prey.

I am able to boldly prey on the giants in the land that is mine because God is within me. And what land is mine? Every single promise God made to His people. I am more than a conqueror because God is operating inside of me and through me. He’ll never leave me or forsake me. I am the head and not the tail. I’m blessed going in and going out. He will increase my tent (home, family, bank account, etc.). All of God’s benefits in Psalm 103 are mine! If you missed them from the last post, feel free to take a look at Times Have Changed. They’re life-changing!

Laundry will never be completely done, phones and coffee are replaceable, and the seeds planted while my bonus kiddos were with us are being watered by our prayers for them. Monday, schmonday. It’s not a bad day. It’s just a day to have butter on hand for all that bread being served.