I’m pretty sure everyone has had this experience: you’re at the store and you witness a child having a complete meltdown. Or perhaps it’s a tantrum. Either way, without even thinking about it, judgment is passed in regards to the parenting techniques (or lack of). You think to yourself, “I would never allow my kids to act like that…” Or you might feel a bit of sympathy for the parent because they look exhausted, run ragged, and don’t even have the energy to address the tears of the tantrum. Maybe you’ve cringed when hearing a hateful tone (or even name-calling) when the parent addresses the little miscreant.
Every parent has self-doubt, has feelings of inadequacy, and at times feels as though they have failed. The little buggers that God has blessed us with have a very special skill-set of being able to push us to the edge. I wish I could say that I haven’t been one of the parents that passes judgment or thinks (says) that my own kids would never get away with the tantrums or talking back… or that I’ve never used the tone of pure evil, but I have (some call it “the mom voice”). Proclamations that I would never bribe my kids or count to three have been proclaimed and then blown away in the storm. I’m not even going to start about trying to negotiate with a two-year-old terrorist (I know I don’t stand alone).
My hubby and I have found ourselves faced with some interesting parenting moments over the years. With four kiddos ranging from toddler to almost-out-the-door, personalities from one end of the spectrum to the other, interesting is a nice way of putting it. It’s the absolute end of the world if the two-year-old is sentenced to the corner for any length of time. Our teen hates us and her life is over if we take away her phone and computer privileges (she’s 17 – we couldn’t possibly understand – I hope you hear the eye-roll in that). Obviously, with their uniqueness, we have to approach each parenting moment just as uniquely, from different angles, and catered to speak to the individual person (a person’s a person, no matter how small).
I loved math until high school. Memorizing formulas without direction as to how or when to apply them did nothing for me; I barely got out of there alive! For years I just assumed that math was over my head, which in turn meant I was bound to hate it. Teachers may reach a few students using one teaching technique while other students are left scratching their heads. A great teacher (I’m related to and have friends who are phenomenal teachers!) will recognize the need for adjustment and employ different techniques into their lessons in order to reach each of the students entrusted to them. The same is true for parenting. We have to, as parents, make adjustments.
These adjustments aren’t just for the individual child, but also for the individual moment in time and path you’re on (according to GPS: recalculating). Like I said, I have a toddler and a tedult (teen + adult = tedult. See? I can do math.). What works for a toddler will definitely not work for our tedult (well, now that I think about it, a little corner time might prove effective for the tedult). What worked last year for our tedult will not necessarily work now, at this specific time in her life. With the magnitude of obstacles that parents (and caregivers) encounter, it’s no wonder that we’re continually doubting our decisions, have seasons of feeling isolated (no one understands!), and just feel overtaken, overwhelmed, overridden, overruled, and overcome (lots of “overs”).
Parenting in this day and age is HARD. Just 30 years ago it was common practice to shove the kids out the door after breakfast, maybe see them at lunch (kids do like to eat), and they knew to come home once the street lights came on. We would drink out of hoses, build forts in the woods, play in the creek where snakes lived, ride bikes, and build questionable ramps for our bikes and skateboards (just to name a few). We did all of this without the safety gear of knee and elbow pads, helmets, first-aid kits, sunscreen, or bug spray. We would fall, but we’d get back up. Bless it! We would be out of view of our parents and we didn’t crumble under the pressure!
Sad to say, but the pressure for parents is getting more and more intense. We’ve become inundated with “experts” stating that the psyche of your child’s mind can’t take any corrections, any disappointments, and they can’t possibly work out any social disagreements without parental meddling. Telling our kids “No” hurts their happiness. When we shelter our kids from the consequences of their poor choice(s), it hinders their development instead of helping. We’re setting our kids up to fail if we continue down the road of mollycoddling. When, not if, life throws a hurdle on the path, have we equipped our kids so they know how to jump? Possibly navigate a detour?
Unfortunately, we’re seeing the results of kids not understanding the concept of earning something because it’s all been provided for them. Even the government has made the luxuries of food, clothing, housing, education and healthcare “freebies”. I’m not against assistance programs. I do have a problem with generational welfare recipients who think they don’t need to work because they can live off of those who do. Using a crutch for a season is fine as long as you are trying to learn to walk without the crutches. The system of seasonal assistance fails when people lie and manipulate so they can qualify for the freebies for an indefinite amount of time. There are also entire generations that are using their 20’s as a time to “find out who they are” (using the assistance programs or their parents’ generosity) when parents should have helped instill in them a firm knowledge of their identity before they flew the coup.
Take heart, though. Not all is lost. There is hope because God is still good. Now, I’m a bit of a Harry Potter fan. I know, I know… How can I possibly be a Christian and enjoy Harry Potter? That’s for another post. In one of the books / movies, Harry has found himself isolated, He’s about to face evil all by himself because he’s pushed his friends away. It’s his burden to bear, alone, and he doesn’t think his friends understand any of what he’s going through. A very weird and quirky friend (Luna) makes an astute observation: “Well, if I were You-Know-Who, I’d want you to feel cut off from everyone else; because if it’s just you alone, you’re not as much of a threat.”
In the very fictional wizarding world of Harry Potter, the evil they were fighting against was Voldemort. As parents, we’re in a fight as well. We’re fighting for the future and souls of our children. We’re fighting for strength of character, integrity, resiliency, compassion, and justice (just to name a few). Parenthood is an undertaking not to be taken lightly! And don’t ya know it! God has given us an instruction / play book, aka the Bible. For instance, Ephesians 6:4 instructs us to “…bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (NIV) There’s even instructions as to what should be taught to the different generational age groups so that they can turn around and pass on the instruction to the different generational age groups (Titus 2)!
I’ll say it again: parenting is HARD. And it’s even more difficult when parenting is done alone, without any outside help, advise, or direction. We’re not much of a threat to the forces of evil when we stand all alone. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV) This scripture is used often in regards to marriage, but I have been “helped up” by a friend who was willing to listen and advise. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) A spouse, family member, friend, teacher, co-worker, and neighbor can all be used by God to help sharpen us when we’ve been worn down.
Philippians 2:3-5 talks about being humble and looking after the interests of others, just as Jesus did. Without passing judgment, we need to humble ourselves. Speaking into someone’s life regarding their kids should never be done from the top of a pedestal; try a little transparency. We not only need to advise from a position of humility, but we need to receive from a position of humility as well. I’m not suggesting that advice is received from any and every Tom, Dick or Harry, but find your circle of safety. Find a few people that you can open up to and take off the mask. I see it over and over in the New Testament; letters written by Paul to the various groups of people have whole sections on encouragement. It’s your very own biblical pep rally and it’s obviously important!
Search out the scriptures that define who you are to God. He doesn’t see you as overtaken, overwhelmed, overridden, overruled, or overcome. He sees you as someone who has the power to overcome the obstacles, who has the wisdom to overrule that which opposes good, who has the authority to have evil overridden, and the strength to overwhelm and overtake the enemy (a lot of “overs”). “But now, this is what the Lord says – he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”” Isaiah 43:1-2 (NIV)
